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Never Splith the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues ...
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THE NEW RULES…………………………………………………. BE A MIRROR……………………………………….………………. DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT………………… BEWARE “YES” – MASTER “NO”……………………….. TRIGGER THE 2 WORDS THAT IMMEDIATELY TRANSFORM ANY NEGOCIATION…………………… BEND THEIR REALITY………………………………………… CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL………..1 0 GUARANTEE EXECUTION………………………………. BARGAIN HARD…………………………………………………1 5 FIND THE BLACK SWAN……………………………….. NEGOTIATION ONE SHEET…………………………….
HIGHLIGHTS CHAPTER 1 : THE NEW RULES The open-ended question : ❖ Buys you time, gives your counterpart the illusion of control. ❖ How he would solve my problems. ❖ Make them negotiate with themselves. ❖ It’s a passive-aggressive approach. Ask the same 3 or 4 open-ended questions over and over again. They get worn out answering and give you what you want. Getting to Yes Approach from Fisher and Ury’s:
It begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin. ❖ Slow.It.Down. If you’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. ❖ The Voice. It’s how we are, not what we say. Our general demeanor and delivery. We should be using most of the time the positive/playful voice. The key is to relax and smile while you’re talking. The calming one is the late-night FM DJ voice. ❖ Mirroring We copy each other to comfort each other. It can be done with speech patterns, body languages, vocabulary, tempo and tone of voice. We are rarely aware of it. Principle: We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. ➔ Repeat the last 3 words (or the critical 3 words) of what someone just said. Then leave a bit of silence in order for it to be effective. 2 more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: Mirroring & Positive reinforcement. How to confront Mirroring gives you the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.
Warning: A lot of classic deal makers will think your approach is softheaded and weak. Think Hillary Clinton. Tactical empathy: Think from another person’s point of view while they are talking with that person and quickly assess what is driving them. Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side. It’s about understanding them, the position they’re in, why their actions make sense (to them) and what might move them. The supreme art of war – Sun Tzu: To subdue the enemy without fighting. Labeling Validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it.
How to trigger “That’s right”:
Best response: “Ok, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.”
Define success Make sure to define success for your position – as well as metrics for your next raise. Spark interest and gain an unofficial mentor Sell yourself as more than a body for a job. Be their ambassador. Ask: “What does it take to be successful here?” in an interview. The key: If someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you follow their advice. They will have a personal stake in seeing you succeed. You’ve just recruited your first unofficial mentor! How to negotiate:
Don’t directly persuade them to see your ideas. Your job as a persuader is not to get others believing in what you say, it’s to stop them unbelieving. ❖ He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation. ❖ Describe what you’re looking for and ask for suggestions. ❖ Greatest calibrated question: “How am I supposed to do that?” Calibrate your questions ❖ What makes those questions work is that they are subject to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being rigidly defined. ❖ Calibrated questions have the power to educate on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is. How to: Use calibrated questions early and often. Early in the beginning of negotiation, you should ask “What is the biggest challenge you face?”. Keep calm and avoid making it sound like an accusation or threat. As long as you stay cool, they will hear it as a problem to be solved. Summarize the situation and ask “How am I supposed to do that?”. Use questions that start by “How” or “What” such as: ➔ What about this is important to you? ➔ How can I help to make this better for us? ➔ How would you like me to proceed? ➔ What is it that brought us into this situation? ➔ How can we solve this problem? ➔ What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? ➔ How am I supposed to do that? “Why” can backfire. Without self-control and emotional regulation, it doesn’t work. Pause. Think. Let the passion dissipate. When you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, ask a calibrated question. Every apology and calibrated question lower the heart rate of your counterpart just a little. And that’s how you get to a dynamic where solutions can be found.
“Yes” is nothing without “How” ❖ When asking your “How” question, you just have to have an idea of where you want the conversation to go when you’re devising your questions. ❖ Your tone of voice is critical as this phrase can be delivered as either an accusation or a request for assistance. ❖ People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it’s theirs. How to: ❖ Ask a calibrated question. How will we know we’re on track? How will we address things if we find we’re off track? ❖ When they answer, summarize their answer until you get a “that’s right”. Then you’ll know they’ve bought in. ❖ Be wary of “You’re right” and “I’ll try”. If you hear those, dive back in with calibrated “How” questions. ❖ Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Influencing those behind the table When other people will be affected by what is negotiated and can assert their rights or power later on, it’s just stupid to consider only the interests of those at the negotiation table. Ask calibrated questions: How does this affect the rest of your team? How on board are the people not on this call? What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area? Responding to liars, jerks and aggressiveness It’s better not to go chin to chin with aggressiveness. ❖ Make it complex to talk to you. Scheduling a call or meeting. ❖ Delay making email responses. ❖ Default to using “what” and “how” calibrated questions. ❖ Dodge and weave.
❖ When you get to the number you want, switch to “When/what” calibrated question. “When we run out of money, what will happen?” The 7- 38 - 55% rule Of a message: 7% is based on the words 38% comes from the tone of voice 55% from the speaker’s body language and face This is why it’s always better to meet someone face to face even if what needs be said can over the phone. When someone’s tone of voice or body language doesn’t align with the meaning, use labels to discover the source of the incongruence. “I heard you say “Yes”, but it seemed like there was hesitation in your voice.” The rule of three Get the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in the same conversations, because it’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. How to avoid sounding like a broken record: ❖ First time they agree. ❖ Label or summarize until they say “That’s right”. ❖ Calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation. Or Ask the 3 times the same calibrated question phrased in different ways like What’s the biggest challenged you faced? What are we up against here? What do you see as being the most difficult thing to get around? The Pinocchio effect Liars: ❖ Use more words than truth tellers ❖ Use far more third-person pronouns. ❖ Tend to speak in more complex sentences in an attempt to win over their suspicious counterparts.
Not in a big rush. As long as they are working toward the best result in a thorough and systematic way, time is of little consequence. Their self-image is linked to minimizing mistakes. Motto: As much time as it takes to get it right. Prefer to work on their own. Rarely show emotion. Often use the FM DJ Voice; slow and measured with a downward inflection. Speak in a way that is distant and cold. Pride themselves on not missing any details in their extensive preparation. Hate surprises. Reserved problem solvers. Information aggregators. Hypersensitive to reciprocity. Since they like working on things alone, the fact that they’re talking to you at all, from their perspective, is a concession. Skeptical Silence = they want to think If your counterpart is an analyst: Don’t expect immediate counterproposals They’re skeptical so don’t ask too many questions to start with, because they are not going to answer until they understand all the implications. It’s vital to be prepared. Use clear data. Silence to them is an opportunity to think. Apologies have values since they see the negotiation and their relationship with you as a person largely as separate things. Respond well to labels. Not quick to answer calibrated questions, or close-ended questions when the answer is yes. If you’re an analyst: Smile when you speak. You’ll receive more information. And use it to mask moments you’ve been caught off guard.
❖ Accommodator This most important thing is the time spent building the relationship. Time is relationship. Love the win-win. Build great rapport without actually accomplishing anything. Sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic and distractible. Poor at time management. Silence = anger If your counterpart is accommodator: Be sociable and friendly. Use calibrated questions focused specifically on implementation. Find ways to translate their talk into action. Due to their tendency to be the first to activate the reciprocity cycle, they may have agreed to give you something they can’t actually deliver. Uncovering their objections can be difficult. They will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of the conflict they may cause. ❖ Assertive Time is money. Getting the solution perfect isn’t as important as getting it done. Love winning above all else. Aggressive communication style. Don’t worry about future interactions. Business relationships is based on respect, nothing more and nothing less. Wants to be heard. Don’t actually have the ability to listen to you until they know that you’ve heard them. They tell rather than ask. Silence = an opportunity to speak more. You don’t have anything to say or you want them to talk.
Such threats delivered without anger but with “poise” (confidence and self-control) are great tools. Why questions Why can backfire. But employ it in a way that the defensiveness of the question triggers to get your counterpart to defend your position. “Why would you ever do business with me?” No neediness Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal. Collaborative relationship. The most vital principle to keep in mind is never to look at your counterpart as an enemy. The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. Use “tough love” (strong yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries) instead of hatred. Suggest a time-out if the situation is escalating. Ackerman model of bargaining
Black Swan: the things you don’t know you don’t know. Pieces of information you’ve never imagined but that would be game changing if uncovered. ❖ When bits and pieces of a case don’t add up, it’s usually because our frames of references are off. ❖ Each side is in possession of at least 3 Black Swans. ❖ Embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening. ❖ Conventional questioning and research techniques are designed to confirm known known and reduce uncertainty. They don’t dig into the unknown. ❖ Ask lots of questions. Read nonverbal clues and always voice your observations with your counterpart. Feel for the truth behind the camouflage. ❖ Focusing so much on the end objective will only distract you from the next step. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long as all the steps are completed. ❖ Your counterpart always has pieces of information whose value they do not understand. 3 types of leverage If they’re talking to you, you have leverage. There’s always leverage: as an essentially emotional concept. Leverage has lots of inputs: time, necessity, competition, etc. To get leverage, you have to persuade your counterpart that they have something real to lose if the deal falls through. ❖ Positive leverage Provide (or withhold) things that your counterpart wants. You have more power than before your counterpart revealed his desire. You control what they want. That’s why experienced negotiators delay making offers: they don’t want to give up leverage. You’ve gone from a situation where you want something from the investor to a situation where you both want something from each other. ❖ Negative leverage Based on threats. Gets people’s attention because of loss aversion. Look for pieces of information outside the negotiating table and speak to a third party that knows your counterpart. But the most effective method is to gather info from interactions with your counterpart.