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SUMMARY Never Split the Difference, Lecture notes of Negotiation

Never Splith the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues ...

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2021/2022

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SUMMARY
After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the
FBI, where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank
robbers, gang leaders and terrorists. Never Splith the Difference takes you inside his
world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss
and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most when people’s livews were
at stake. Tooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top
of his game, Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any
discussion.
Never Split the
Difference
Negotiating as if your life
depended on it
Chris Voss
with Tahl Raz
CONTENU
THE NEW RULES………………………………………………….2
BE A MIRROR……………………………………….……………….3
DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT…………………5
BEWARE “YES” – MASTER “NO”………………………..5
TRIGGER THE 2 WORDS THAT IMMEDIATELY
TRANSFORM ANY NEGOCIATION……………………6
BEND THEIR REALITY…………………………………………7
CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL………..10
GUARANTEE EXECUTION……………………………….13
BARGAIN HARD…………………………………………………15
FIND THE BLACK SWAN………………………………..20
NEGOTIATION ONE SHEET…………………………….23
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SUMMARY

After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the

FBI, where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank

robbers, gang leaders and terrorists. Never Splith the Difference takes you inside his

world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss

and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most – when people’s livews were

at stake. Tooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top

of his game, Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any

discussion.

Never Split the

Difference

Negotiating as if your life

depended on it

Chris Voss

with Tahl Raz

CONTENU

THE NEW RULES…………………………………………………. BE A MIRROR……………………………………….………………. DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT………………… BEWARE “YES” – MASTER “NO”……………………….. TRIGGER THE 2 WORDS THAT IMMEDIATELY TRANSFORM ANY NEGOCIATION…………………… BEND THEIR REALITY………………………………………… CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL………..1 0 GUARANTEE EXECUTION………………………………. BARGAIN HARD…………………………………………………1 5 FIND THE BLACK SWAN……………………………….. NEGOTIATION ONE SHEET…………………………….

HIGHLIGHTS CHAPTER 1 : THE NEW RULES The open-ended question : ❖ Buys you time, gives your counterpart the illusion of control. ❖ How he would solve my problems. ❖ Make them negotiate with themselves. ❖ It’s a passive-aggressive approach. Ask the same 3 or 4 open-ended questions over and over again. They get worn out answering and give you what you want. Getting to Yes Approach from Fisher and Ury’s:

  1. Separate the person – the emotion – from the problem.
  2. Don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position (what they’re asking for) but instead focus on their interests (why they’re asking for it) so that you can find what they really want.
  3. Work cooperatively to generate win-win options.
  4. Establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions. Feeling is a form of thinking. Cognitive Bias: We have more than 150. ❖ Framing Effect: People respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed. Ex: 10% raise. People place greater value on moving from 90% to 100% (probability to certainty) than from 45 to 55%. ❖ Prospect Theory: We take unwarranted risks in the face of uncertain losses. ❖ Loss Aversion: We are more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain. 2 Systems of Thoughts:  Our animal mind: fast, instinctive and emotional. Has more influence, it guides and steer our rational thoughts. Inchoate beliefs, feelings and impressions. Deliberates the choices of system 2.  Slow, deliberative and logical. Rationalize what the system 1 thinks. Focus on System 1 (animal, emotional and irrational) to develop your negotiating skills. You need

It begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin. ❖ Slow.It.Down. If you’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. ❖ The Voice. It’s how we are, not what we say. Our general demeanor and delivery. We should be using most of the time the positive/playful voice. The key is to relax and smile while you’re talking. The calming one is the late-night FM DJ voice. ❖ Mirroring We copy each other to comfort each other. It can be done with speech patterns, body languages, vocabulary, tempo and tone of voice. We are rarely aware of it. Principle: We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. ➔ Repeat the last 3 words (or the critical 3 words) of what someone just said. Then leave a bit of silence in order for it to be effective. 2 more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: Mirroring & Positive reinforcement. How to confront Mirroring gives you the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.

  1. Use the late-night FM DJ voice.
  2. Start with “I’m sorry…”
  3. Mirror
  4. Silence. At least 4 seconds, to let the mirror work its magic. Don’t worry, the other party will fill it.
  5. Repeat. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.

CHAPTER 3: DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT

Warning: A lot of classic deal makers will think your approach is softheaded and weak. Think Hillary Clinton. Tactical empathy: Think from another person’s point of view while they are talking with that person and quickly assess what is driving them. Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side. It’s about understanding them, the position they’re in, why their actions make sense (to them) and what might move them. The supreme art of war – Sun Tzu: To subdue the enemy without fighting. Labeling Validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it.

  1. Spot the feelings.
  2. Turn them into words.
  3. Very calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them.
  4. Silence. Let it sink. Don’t use “I” because it gets people’s guard up. It says you’re more interested in yourself. Don’t say “I’m hearing…” but “It sounds like” “It seems like”, “It looks like”… Accusation Audit Before saying what you have to say, do an accusation audit of yourself. List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. CHAPTER 4: BEWARE “YES” – MASTER “NO” Start with NO No starts the negotiation, not the end of it. Having said no, the other party has protected himself, so he can relax and more easily consider the possibilities.  “No” is often a decision, frequently temporary, to maintain status quo. Change is scary and “No” provides a little protection from the scariness.  People will fight you to the death to preserve their right to say “No”, so give them that right and the negotiating environment becomes more constructive and collaborative almost immediately.  People need to feel in control. Preserve a person’s autonomy by clearly giving them permission to say “No” to your ideas.  Once they said no, other party can really look at your proposal. It gives you time to elaborate or pivot in order to convince.

How to trigger “That’s right”:

  1. Effective Pauses. Silence is powerful.
  2. Minimal Encouragers. Besides silence, use Yes, Ok, Uh-huh or I see.
  3. Mirroring. Rather than argue.
  4. Labeling. Give the feeling a name and identify how he felt.
  5. Paraphrase. Repeat in your own words to show you really understand.
  6. Summarize. Paraphrasing + labeling = summary. Listen and repeat the “world according to him”. The only possible response to a good summary is “that’s right”. Getting to “that’s right” means you truly understand their dreams and feeling. Their world. It creates unconditional positive regard. Mental and behavioral change become possible. CHAPTER 6: BEND THEIR REALITY Deadlines: Make time your ally Time is one of the most crucial variables in any negotiation. And its sharper cousin, the deadline, are the screw that pressures every deal to a conclusion. To get a good deal, resist this urge to rush and take advantage of it in others. The mantra to resist: “No deal is better than a bad deal”. Vague threat where time isn’t specified occurs in early stage of negotiation. When threats become more specific at specified time, it indicates that you are getting closer to real consequences. The key is : When negotiation is over for one side, it’s over for the other too. If you have to leave without a deal, they are not getting a deal either. Let them know your deadline. And then be ready to blow it. The F-Word (fair) While we may use our logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is governed by emotion. The most powerful word in negotiation. People comply with agreements if they feel they’ve been treated fairly and lash out if they don’t. People can make irrational choice because the negative emotional value of unfairness outweighs the positive value of the money. There is no such thing as “fairness” Fairness is messy, emotional and destructive. Use the word with care. Of the 3 ways to use it, only one is positive:
  7. “We just want what’s fair” It’s an implicit accusation of unfairness to you and immediately triggers feelings of defensiveness and discomfort.

Best response: “Ok, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.”

  1. “We’ve given you a fair offer” It accuses you of being dishonest. Best response: Mirror by saying “Fair?” Pause Label “It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that” and ask for more info.
  2. POSITIVE WAY. TO USE EARLY ON IN A NEGO. “I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.” It set the stage for honest and empathetic negotiation. As a negotiator, you should strive for a reputation of being fair. Bend their reality Prospect Theory: How people choose between options that involve risk. Certainty Effect: People are drawn to sure things over probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice. Loss Aversion: People will take greater risk to avoid losses than to achieve gains. Prospect Theory Tactics: In a tough negotiation, it’s not enough to show that you can deliver the thing they want. To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something to lose if the deal falls through.
  3. Anchor their emotions. Start out with an accusation audit acknowledging all of their fears. Play on their loss aversion.
  4. Let the other one go first… most of the time. Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations. “Anchor and adjustment” Effect: A pro will go for an extreme anchor, then when they come back with a merely absurd offer it will seem reasonable. (400$ iPhones seem reasonable from their original 600$). *We tend to make adjustments from our first reference points.

 Define success Make sure to define success for your position – as well as metrics for your next raise.  Spark interest and gain an unofficial mentor Sell yourself as more than a body for a job. Be their ambassador. Ask: “What does it take to be successful here?” in an interview. The key: If someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you follow their advice. They will have a personal stake in seeing you succeed. You’ve just recruited your first unofficial mentor! How to negotiate:

  1. Give a range. *People has a natural tendency to go directly to their price limit when faced by an extreme anchor.
  2. Silence. Wait for a counteroffer.
  3. Don’t say “no” or “yes” but keep talking and creating empathy.
  4. Wait for counteroffers to come on its own.
  5. Repeat many times until you get your price.
  6. Use “that’s fair” in a positive way.
  7. Conclude by saying you are asking him and not his board, and that all you need is for him to agree with the term. He will come your ambassador in front of his board. CHAPTER 7: CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL ❖ A change in negotiators by the other side almost always signaled that they meant to take a harder line. ❖ All negotiations, done well, should be an information gathering process. Asking an open-ended question, yet calibrated, forces the other to pause and actually think about how to solve the problem. “How” asks for help. And it avoids reciprocity, since the other thinks it’s his idea, you don’t owe him a thing for his offer. It gives the other side the illusion of control.

Don’t directly persuade them to see your ideas. Your job as a persuader is not to get others believing in what you say, it’s to stop them unbelieving. ❖ He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation. ❖ Describe what you’re looking for and ask for suggestions. ❖ Greatest calibrated question: “How am I supposed to do that?” Calibrate your questions ❖ What makes those questions work is that they are subject to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being rigidly defined. ❖ Calibrated questions have the power to educate on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is. How to:  Use calibrated questions early and often.  Early in the beginning of negotiation, you should ask “What is the biggest challenge you face?”.  Keep calm and avoid making it sound like an accusation or threat. As long as you stay cool, they will hear it as a problem to be solved.  Summarize the situation and ask “How am I supposed to do that?”.  Use questions that start by “How” or “What” such as: ➔ What about this is important to you? ➔ How can I help to make this better for us? ➔ How would you like me to proceed? ➔ What is it that brought us into this situation? ➔ How can we solve this problem? ➔ What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? ➔ How am I supposed to do that?  “Why” can backfire.  Without self-control and emotional regulation, it doesn’t work. Pause. Think. Let the passion dissipate. When you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, ask a calibrated question.  Every apology and calibrated question lower the heart rate of your counterpart just a little. And that’s how you get to a dynamic where solutions can be found.

CHAPTER 8: GUARANTEE EXECUTION

“Yes” is nothing without “How” ❖ When asking your “How” question, you just have to have an idea of where you want the conversation to go when you’re devising your questions. ❖ Your tone of voice is critical as this phrase can be delivered as either an accusation or a request for assistance. ❖ People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it’s theirs. How to: ❖ Ask a calibrated question. How will we know we’re on track? How will we address things if we find we’re off track? ❖ When they answer, summarize their answer until you get a “that’s right”. Then you’ll know they’ve bought in. ❖ Be wary of “You’re right” and “I’ll try”. If you hear those, dive back in with calibrated “How” questions. ❖ Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Influencing those behind the table When other people will be affected by what is negotiated and can assert their rights or power later on, it’s just stupid to consider only the interests of those at the negotiation table. Ask calibrated questions: How does this affect the rest of your team? How on board are the people not on this call? What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area? Responding to liars, jerks and aggressiveness It’s better not to go chin to chin with aggressiveness. ❖ Make it complex to talk to you. Scheduling a call or meeting. ❖ Delay making email responses. ❖ Default to using “what” and “how” calibrated questions. ❖ Dodge and weave.

❖ When you get to the number you want, switch to “When/what” calibrated question. “When we run out of money, what will happen?” The 7- 38 - 55% rule Of a message:  7% is based on the words  38% comes from the tone of voice  55% from the speaker’s body language and face This is why it’s always better to meet someone face to face even if what needs be said can over the phone. When someone’s tone of voice or body language doesn’t align with the meaning, use labels to discover the source of the incongruence. “I heard you say “Yes”, but it seemed like there was hesitation in your voice.” The rule of three Get the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in the same conversations, because it’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. How to avoid sounding like a broken record: ❖ First time they agree. ❖ Label or summarize until they say “That’s right”. ❖ Calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation. Or Ask the 3 times the same calibrated question phrased in different ways like  What’s the biggest challenged you faced?  What are we up against here?  What do you see as being the most difficult thing to get around? The Pinocchio effect Liars: ❖ Use more words than truth tellers ❖ Use far more third-person pronouns. ❖ Tend to speak in more complex sentences in an attempt to win over their suspicious counterparts.

 Not in a big rush. As long as they are working toward the best result in a thorough and systematic way, time is of little consequence.  Their self-image is linked to minimizing mistakes.  Motto: As much time as it takes to get it right.  Prefer to work on their own.  Rarely show emotion.  Often use the FM DJ Voice; slow and measured with a downward inflection.  Speak in a way that is distant and cold.  Pride themselves on not missing any details in their extensive preparation.  Hate surprises.  Reserved problem solvers.  Information aggregators.  Hypersensitive to reciprocity.  Since they like working on things alone, the fact that they’re talking to you at all, from their perspective, is a concession.  Skeptical  Silence = they want to think If your counterpart is an analyst:  Don’t expect immediate counterproposals  They’re skeptical so don’t ask too many questions to start with, because they are not going to answer until they understand all the implications.  It’s vital to be prepared. Use clear data.  Silence to them is an opportunity to think.  Apologies have values since they see the negotiation and their relationship with you as a person largely as separate things.  Respond well to labels.  Not quick to answer calibrated questions, or close-ended questions when the answer is yes. If you’re an analyst:  Smile when you speak. You’ll receive more information. And use it to mask moments you’ve been caught off guard.

❖ Accommodator  This most important thing is the time spent building the relationship. Time is relationship.  Love the win-win.  Build great rapport without actually accomplishing anything.  Sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic and distractible.  Poor at time management.  Silence = anger If your counterpart is accommodator:  Be sociable and friendly.  Use calibrated questions focused specifically on implementation.  Find ways to translate their talk into action.  Due to their tendency to be the first to activate the reciprocity cycle, they may have agreed to give you something they can’t actually deliver.  Uncovering their objections can be difficult. They will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of the conflict they may cause. ❖ Assertive  Time is money.  Getting the solution perfect isn’t as important as getting it done.  Love winning above all else.  Aggressive communication style.  Don’t worry about future interactions.  Business relationships is based on respect, nothing more and nothing less.  Wants to be heard. Don’t actually have the ability to listen to you until they know that you’ve heard them.  They tell rather than ask.  Silence = an opportunity to speak more. You don’t have anything to say or you want them to talk.

Such threats delivered without anger but with “poise” (confidence and self-control) are great tools. Why questions Why can backfire. But employ it in a way that the defensiveness of the question triggers to get your counterpart to defend your position. “Why would you ever do business with me?” No neediness Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal. Collaborative relationship. The most vital principle to keep in mind is never to look at your counterpart as an enemy. The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. Use “tough love” (strong yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries) instead of hatred. Suggest a time-out if the situation is escalating. Ackerman model of bargaining

  1. Set your target price (your goal)
  2. Set your first offer at 65% decreasing of your target price.
  3. Calculate 3 raises of decreasing increment (to 85, 95 and 100%).
  4. Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “no” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
  5. When calculating the final amount, use precise, nonround numbers. It gives the number credibility and weight.
  6. On your final number, throw in a nonmonetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit. This juices their self-esteem. People getting concessions often feel better than those who are given a single firm “fair” offer. Even when they end up paying more. Key lessons:  Prepare, prepare, prepare. Design an ambitious but legitimate goal, game out the labels, calibrated questions and responses you’ll use to get there.  Get ready to take a punch. Prepare your dodging tactics.  Take a punch, or punch back, without anger.

CHAPTER 10: FIND THE BLACK SWAN

Black Swan: the things you don’t know you don’t know. Pieces of information you’ve never imagined but that would be game changing if uncovered. ❖ When bits and pieces of a case don’t add up, it’s usually because our frames of references are off. ❖ Each side is in possession of at least 3 Black Swans. ❖ Embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening. ❖ Conventional questioning and research techniques are designed to confirm known known and reduce uncertainty. They don’t dig into the unknown. ❖ Ask lots of questions. Read nonverbal clues and always voice your observations with your counterpart. Feel for the truth behind the camouflage. ❖ Focusing so much on the end objective will only distract you from the next step. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long as all the steps are completed. ❖ Your counterpart always has pieces of information whose value they do not understand. 3 types of leverage If they’re talking to you, you have leverage. There’s always leverage: as an essentially emotional concept. Leverage has lots of inputs: time, necessity, competition, etc. To get leverage, you have to persuade your counterpart that they have something real to lose if the deal falls through. ❖ Positive leverage  Provide (or withhold) things that your counterpart wants.  You have more power than before your counterpart revealed his desire. You control what they want. That’s why experienced negotiators delay making offers: they don’t want to give up leverage.  You’ve gone from a situation where you want something from the investor to a situation where you both want something from each other. ❖ Negative leverage  Based on threats.  Gets people’s attention because of loss aversion.  Look for pieces of information outside the negotiating table and speak to a third party that knows your counterpart. But the most effective method is to gather info from interactions with your counterpart.