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THE COLONEL BIRD
Hristo Boytchev
Translation by Judith Sprostranova
CHARACTERS:
The doctor Fetisov Hacho Matei Kiro Davud Peppa
PROLOGUE
Doctor: They say that there isn't a normal doctor in the field of psychiatry. Perhaps that's why I chose to work there after leaving the Institute: I often suffered from long- lasting depressions as a result of the absurdities of every-day life, which the philosophers call existentialism. Yes, I've never had much confidence or belief in myself. I've always believed there to be many truths in a conflict but I've never known which one to support myself. This is known as "the Hamlet Complex" by psychiatrists. In the regional Clinic for Psychiatry, where the usual misery and over-crowding reign, I was told that there was a very real need for a young and energetic specialist like myself. Not there in the clinic but at "The Forty Holy Martyrs", a branch of the clinic named after an old monastery in the mountains, where there were about ten interesting but harmless cases. "There's no professional risk there for the doctor," they told me, "and there's no doctor." It was only 43 kilometres away. It was a long journey along rough mountain roads. The mountains became wilder and more splendid whilst the road became rougher and more broken. We didn't meet a soul along the way. At last, at the very end of a huge savage gorge with overhanging rocks, the ruins of the monastery appeared. I had the feeling that I'd reached the very heart of the Balkan Mountains.
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Evening. The sound of a car and the light of headlamps.
The driver: This is the monastery. I'm going back. There's a mist rising and there are wolves around here. Doctor: What wolves? The driver: Real ones! They hide here until the snow falls. Doctor: And when the snow falls? The driver: There's even more of them. Doctor: And how do you get food up here? The driver: We don't.
Doctor: I don't understand. The driver: You will. Doctor: Doesn't anyone else live up here apart from the patients? The driver: I told you, didn't I? The wolves. Doctor: Bloody hell! The driver: That's it. Come on.......
Scene 1
A hospital ward. Beds, chairs, an old television set. Hacho is there engrossed in a book with his back to the door. On the bed by the window, staring lifelessly through it, the motionless figure of the Russian, unshaven with a huge untidy beard and hair. They are wrapped in blankets and wearing all sorts of odd garments. The doctor enters.
Doctor: Good evening /they don't even look up/ Doctor: /louder/ Good evening! /no reaction/ Doctor: /shouting/ Good evening! /the same result/ Doctor: /yelling/ Excuse me, but are you deaf? Three times I've said 'Good evening'.
/Peppa peers in through the other door/
Peppa: /staring hard at the doctor/ didn’t we meet at Customs on the Danube bridge? Hacho: /Sees the doctor/ Are you a new patient? Doctor: I'm the new doctor. Hacho /politely/ How do you do? I was a student at the Academy of Drama. Would you like to hear one of my monologues? Doctor: I said 'Good evening' a moment ago. Hacho: I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
Matei: Only the evening. During the day I'm normal, but when it starts to get dark I become ever so small. I carry a red torch because if someone steps on me he’ll end up rotting in gaol. Peppa: /lifting her head from her calculations/ Three hundred and eighty thousand, seven hundred and forty! Lord, forgive me!
Davud enters, clutching his crotch.
Davud: I’ll cut it off! /takes out a knife/ Matei: Get to the right! /lights the way with his torch/ Move to the right and keep your eyes down! Davud : I’ve made up my mind - I’m going to cut it off! Matei: Make up your mind but look where you’re stepping! Davud: /sees the Doctor/ Is there a new patient?
Hacho: This is the doctor. Davud: /flinches/ A doctor, are you? Doctor: Yes, I’m a doctor. Davud: /clutching even harder/ Doctor, I'm ever so poorly. Doctor: Does it hurt? Davud: Worse than that! I’m going to cut it off! Hacho: You can cut it off later. The News is starting now.
The door opens slowly giving a long drawn out creak and Kiro appears on the threshold. He stands at the door reluctant to enter. Eventually he sits beside Hacho.
Hacho: Don’t sit by me. I’ve nothing left. Look! /he turns out his pockets /
Kiro moves to sit next to Davud.
Davud: And I’ve got nothing. Look. / and he turns out his pockets /
Kiro moves to the empty bed in the corner and sits.
Matei: /shouts from below/ Owww! Not on me! You’ll go to gaol! Kiro: I’ve been there already. It’s no worse than here. Doctor: /to Kiro/ I'm the new doctor. What’s your trouble? Matei: Nothing. We're the ones who're troubled. Hacho: He’s an alcoholic. He steals everything and then drinks it. Kiro: That's not true. I steal but I don’t drink. Davud: So, where's the monastery wine? Kiro: I didn't steal it. I found it. Matei: And the petrol for the jeep? Doctor: What jeep? Davud: Scrapped. It was a present from the detachment. And the soldiers gave us half a ton of petrol - and he drank it.
Hacho: Quiet! The News!
Hacho switches on the television, a black and white picture showing the opening sequence of the News appears but there is no sound. They all turn to stare at the screen apart from the Russian who stays motionlessly staring through the window.
Doctor: / looking at them in amazement/ There's no sound! All: Sshhhhh......! Doctor: /quietly/ Why is there no sound? Davud: The sound doesn't work.
The announcer appears and his lips begin to move. At the same instant the Hacho, staring hard at the announcer, begins to do a voice over.
Hacho: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Today the fierce fighting in the Balkans continued. The UN once again attempted to get a convoy with aid for the occupied zones through but the convoy was held up by the opposing forces....
Fade
Scene 2 The doctor's surgery
Doctor: /on the telephone/ Hallo, hallo! Is that the regional hospital? Chief Consultant, please! Hallo, hallo? Is that the Chief Consultant? I'm calling from "The Forty Holy Martyrs". There's nothing here... no medicines, no bed linen, no warm clothes, food...what? Gifts from the army....? Yes, yes! There are some tinned tomatoes but they are well past their sell-by date. What? Aha...eat them as soon as possible so that they don't go off. Fine, OK...and when they've been eaten...? There are no medicines whatsoever.... I need new medicines...what? Medicines! Can't you hear me? I’ll get a list over to you.... Hallo? Hallo?
The Doctor slams down the receiver in despair and starts to search his pockets for something.
Doctor: Oh, god!
He opens his bag and and continues to search desperately. There is a knock at the door.
The doctor: /shrieks/ No!
Davud enters, clutching his crotch.
Peppa: Well, you could call it that. A lonely Peppa in the Customs Hall of love. All the men know me. Doctor: All of them? Peppa: Five years of 365 days makes 1.825. Multiply that by an average of 15 a day - that makes exactly 28.375 men. I've got it all written down. All the men know Peppa, Doctor: Right, but 28.375 aren't all the men. Peppa: Yes, but when each of them boasts to two others that makes 65.125. And when they boast to another two... Davud: 195.375! So many men doing it, only I can't. Peppa: I'm deep in sin... Doctor: Are you having any treatment for it? Peppa: Treatment? I'm not in hospital, am I? Doctor: Well, where are you?
Peppa: In a monastery, where else? I told the doctor in charge that I wanted to go to a monastery and he sent me here. Now I can atone for my sins. I want to be like Mother Theresa. /She wraps the sheet round her head and exits/ Davud: /after her/ Wait, come back. The doctor will tell you something..... Doctor: Not now. I’ve finished for today.
Davud follows Peppa. The Doctor tries to close the door after them but someone is trying to get in/
Kiro: /offstage/ Help! Help!
At last Kiro manages to open the door and rushes in.
Kiro: Doctor, they’re beating me! Doctor: Only because you’re a Kiro. Kiro: I don't do it on purpose. Doctor: Is it true about the monastery wine? Kiro: I found it in the cellar....... Doctor: And what did you do with it? Kiro: I drank it. Doctor: And the petrol. Kiro: I drank it too. Doctor: You drank the petrol!? Kiro: I sold it first... Doctor: Where did you sell it? Kiro: In Serbia. Doctor: You crossed the border in your pyjamas? Kiro: I was in a sleeper..... I don’t mean to do it. They were supposed to bring me here for treatment but I've started to steal even more. Even today.... /throws a pile of money on the desk/. Doctor: Whose is that? Kiro: The other patients’.
Doctor: Give it back immediately. Kiro: There’s no point. I’ll only steal it again. Doctor: Then keep it yourself and give it to them whenever they need it. Kiro: That’s what I do. Look. /takes out a piece of paper/ From hacho - 700 taken, 580 returned. From Matei 1200 taken - 900 returned. I keep strict records. I’ve even given more to Peppa than I’ve taken..... Doctor: Well, then, look after mine /he searches his pockets/ Kiro: Don’t bother to look. I’ve got it already. Doctor: /amazed/ When on earth..... Kiro: Last night. This is yours too /gives him a box of ampoules/ I don’t use morphine. /exits/
The doctor takes a deep breath to help him recover from the shock and then locks the door, opens an ampoule and sticks the needle in his arm. Someone knocks on the door.
Hacho: /offstage/ Doctor, Doctor! Doctor: /yelling/ No!
The doctor pulls out the needle and relaxes.
Doctor: Everything I’ve said about myself is true except for one little thing - the truth is that I’m no doctor. I’m simply an addict. They’ve had me in for treatment several times - the only difference it’s made is that I’ve changed heroin for morphine. It’s easier to find morphine in the clinics... and one other thing: whilst they were trying in vain to cure me I managed to read all the textbooks on psychiatric illnesses. That’s how I got the idea of pretending to be a doctor so that I could get hold of morphine. And now here I am with my false diploma and the last ten ampoules of morphine. I had hoped to find more here. But there isn’t any here and I’ve got to wait for the next delivery. So that’s it.
/fade/
Scene 3
The Russian is looking through the window while the Doctor, still under the influence of the drug, is reading his patient’s notes.
Hacho: ‘Two beautiful eyes’ - I’ll recite it now.... Davud: The News is starting! Doctor: And what happened at the Academy? Hacho: I studied there for a month and then got a letter from the army. The regimental commander wrote a letter of thanks to the Academy - "We are most grateful to you for your noble gesture regarding the unfortunate Private Ivanov. Altho ugh he is stone-deaf the boy has talent etc. etc.
The Doctor is almost asleep.
Davud: The News is starting. Doctor: Haven’t we already heard it? Hacho: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Today the fierce fighting in the Balkans continued. The UN once again attempted to get a convoy with aid for the occupied zones through but the convoy was held up by the opposing forces....A spokesman for the UN declared that there would be an attempt to fly in aid with the help of the planes of the British Air Force... Davud: You - you say one and the same thing every single evening. Hacho: I don’t think up the News? I tell you what the news is - just as it is. Davud: Change the commas at least. You’ve been using one and the same text for six months....... Hacho: That’s not true! For instance now I said that tonight they'll send in humanitarian aid by air whilst last night I didn't say that. Davud: Yes, you did. Hacho: I didn’t mention aeroplanes. Kiro: It’s all the same to me. The question is, the text has to change.... Hacho: can’t change the News. The news isn’t a monologue. I know lots of monologues and can recite you a different one every evening. Listen, I’ll start. The first monologue - a tragicomic one....
They all head for the door.
Hacho: Just one! Come on - only one.
He rushes outside after them. Only Peppa and Davud remain on stage.
Davud: Come on, you're the only one who can help me. Peppa: Get off, I told you. Davud: Just to lie next to you? Peppa: No! Davud: But you know I can't do anything... Peppa: Even the thought of it is a sin. Davud: Well, you needn't think of anything, I'll manage on my own. Peppa: No!
Davud: Please help me, I'm ill, it would be an act of charity. Peppa: No! Davud: One act of charity and God will forgive you. God will forgive you for everything.
Peppa is quiet.
Davud: He'll forgive you for everything! Peppa: Do you really think so? Davud: Of course. God loves those who do good, even if they are sinners. The sinner is deare r to him than the righteous. And the Doctor says so.
The Doctor mutters something in his sleep.
Davud: Did you hear that? Peppa: Blindfold me so that I don't see the sin. Davud: Right /he blindfolds her/. Peppa: And you. Davud: Fine! / blindfolds himself/
The other patients enter on tiptoe and await results with interest.
Peppa: /crossing herself/ Lord, forgive me! Davud: Lord, help me!
The other patients also cross themselves hopefully. The two of them hide behind the bed...... after a while Davud stands up in tears.
Davud: Oh, Lord, why do you punish me so, why? Peppa: Thank you Lord, for saving me from sin! Davud: Why do you punish me, Lord? Isn’t enough that I was born a gypsy, and now this....I’m a gypsy but I’m a man too, aren’t I? You’ll see, Lord, you’ll see who we are, us gypsies!
He turns in rage on the other patients.
Davud: What are you all staring at? Don’t you know who we are - the gypsies? Don’t you know? You’re the gypsies - I’m Romany. Romany! We, the Romanies founded Rome. You’ve heard of the brothers Romulus and Remus who were fed by the she-wolf? That Romulus was a pure Romany. That’s why the city is called Rome - in Italian, Roma. It comes from Romany. And what about Romeo and Juliet? Romeo is a Romany too. And Roman Polanski? Him too. Us Romanies have a state
The Doctor appears.
Doctor: What is going on? Hacho: This one’s stolen a box from the UN. Kiro: I haven't. I was going to steal it but I didn't. Doctor: This is humanitarian aid for the occupied zone. Hacho: Didn’t I tell you last night - they said they'd be dropping supplies. Kiro: The occupied zone is five hundred kilometres away. Hacho: The storm must have driven them off course. Doctor: That’s possible. Hacho: They don't know the difference. It's all the Balkans to them. They were told to drop the stuff over the Balkans and that's what they've done. Doctor: What are we going to do with it now? Kiro: Shall we send it back to the UN?
Hacho: We didn't have anything to eat last night...
The doctor thinks.
Kiro: There might be pain-killers, morphine......shall I? Doctor: Go on!
They open the box and first of all pull out a silk UN flag then from under that packages of winter camouflage uniforms.
Hacho: Army uniforms? Kiro: Better and better - they’ll buy them at once in Serbia.
At this moment Davud runs in panting.
Davud: Doctor, I've found a box of tinned stuff and chocolate. Doctor: Where? Davud: Behind the monastery.
Matei arrives.
Matei: Doctor, the whole forest around here is littered with boxes. Kiro: Take them all to the store! Doctor: But if they are looking for them? Kiro: Who's going to look for them? The British?
Fade. The voice of the doctor is heard in the dark.
Doctor: Of course there was no morphine but from that moment on I stopped phoning the Regional Hospital. I don't know who’s right or who’s wrong in this war, but I am sure that if anyone needed help it was us.
Scene 5
In the middle of the room there is a container full of goods. The patients are wearing military uniforms and eating greedily. Davud is having fun dressing Fetisov like a doll in a soldier’s uniform. Fetisov is now dressed and buttoned up perfectly. At the moment Matei is brushing the shaving foam off his face and the others are laughing at him.
Matei: There we are now!
Hacho: Put his hat on!
Matei: (putting the hat on). There you are! He’s ready! In a loud commanding
voice) Stand up!
Fetisov gets up slowly.
Davud: (impressed). He looks real.
Matei: Lets try some marching now. (Commanding loudly.) Attention! (Fetisov carries out the order mechanically.) March! One – two! One – two!
Matei: (under the bed). Not in my direction!
Matei: About turn!
Fetisov marches along the wall and the patients fall about laughing.
Matei: Halt! Well done, colonel!
Hacho: Why do you call him colonel?
Matei: That’s what he looks like… if you don’t believe me, ask him.
Hacho: (loudly.) Colonel Fetisov?
Fetisov nods his head.
Matei: Did you see that? Ask him again.
Hacho: Colonel Fetisov?
Fetisov: (quietly, moving his lips mechanically.) Yes?
They all start in amazement. It is the first time they have heard his voice.
Hacho: Yes, colonel! (Pours the tea, Fetisov drinks noisily, pacing up and down in front of the line. He stops in front of Matei.)
Fetisov: Why are there so few of you?
Matei: Well…. (Shrugs his shoulders.)
Fetisov: Where is everyone else?
Hacho: They’re at the regional clinic, there are still….
Fetisov: Are they wounded?
Hacho: You could say so….
Fetisov: I want a complete list of all the wounded and killed. Is that clear?
Matei: Yes, sir!
Fetisov: At ease! Attention! Gentlemen, we may be few, but we will be victorious. Five men can make up a battalion, if there is the will. No, gentlemen: even a lone soldier is a soldier. I that clear?
Matei: Yes, sir.
Fetisov: (seeing Matei under the bed). Soldier, what are you doing there?
Matei: I… I’m very small, colonel.
Fetisov: You can’t be small if you’re wearing a uniform. Profession?
Matei: Driver, colonel.
Fetisov: You’ll be behind the wheel again soon, private…
Matei: Mateev, colonel.
Davud: (timidly). I… I was a corporal, colonel.
Fetisov: Good lad, corporal …
Davud: Corporal Shukri, colonel.
Fetisov: Well done, corporal Shukri. I remember you well. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a shave?
Davud: Yes, sir.
Fetisov: Why don’t we light up the boiler in the bathroom, corporal?
Davud: Me?
Fetisov: Get the baths ready for 18.
Davud: Yes, sir.
The doctor enters, in a semi-drugged haze.
Fetisov: Who’s this civilian?
Davud: That’s the doctor, colonel.
Fetisov: Aha… Doctor? (Shouting.) Attention! At ease!
The doctor looks shocked and Fetisov marches up to him.
Fetisov: (in a loud voice.) Doctor, colonel Fetisov at your service. Ivanov!
Hacho: Who me?
Fetisov: Tea for the doctor!
Hacho: Yes, sir. (Pours a cup of hot water and the doctor drinks it down in one gulp.)
Pepa comes in.
Fetisov: Nurse? (Fetisov clicks his heels and bow lightly. He offers her his hand.) At your service, Miss. (Pepa faints.)
Fade.
Scene 6
The general ward. The beds are all in a straight line with the blankets on them folded in military style. The patients are lining up the edges of the blankets with a piece of string. Davud is on his knees with one eye closed to get a proper sightline.
Fetisov: /severely/ Why are you not in line, Popov? Matei: Someone might step on me, sir. Fetisov: Private Popov, in line! Matei: I can't! I'm afraid, don't you understand? Look, I'm shaking from head to toe. Fetisov: Popov, in line! The resposibility is mine, Colonel Dimitri Fetisov. Matei: I want to, but I can't....please! I'm so small, very small. /in tears/ Fetisov: /sharply and loudly/ Private Popov, on your feet!
Matei slowly stands up shaking.
Fetisov: Attention!
Matei freezes instinctively.
Fetisov: Into line, quick march!
Matei lifts his feet with a great effort and with a slow marching step takes his place in the line.
Fetisov: /calmly/ The army, gentlemen, has been in existence as long as mankind and the line has been in existence ever since there has been an army. Every army in the world depends on its fighting ranks and when you are in line no one can take your place because then the line would collapse and then so would the army. The great armies have lost because their line has collapsed and small armies have won thanks to the strength of their line. But the line, gentlemen, is not a simple line of people and soldiers, it is inside us. And when the line within us collapses then a man is no longer a man. The line inside us supports us all, all societies, all armies. Because the spirit of an army is just that line inside each one of the soldiers. Clear? All: Yes, sir! Fetisov: Attention! Left turn! Right turn!
Fade
Doctor: /thumbing through a textbook/ Fetisov's condition was clear to me in theory: severe schizophrenia in the paranoid form. Psychiatrists call it "dephasing". But a few days later the other patients began to change too as though they were infected by Fetisov. Instead of the former scarecrows shuffling about the courtyard there were these clean-shaven, washed and smart commandos. They move more energetically, their speech clear and to the point. Clearly Fetisov, as a result of his illness, had acquired the confidence and desire to command which resulted in all the other subconsciously and unquestioningly to accept his spiritual strength.
Scene 7
The doctor's monologue is interrupted by the sound of a bugle. The loud voice of Fetisov is heard in the distance: "One...two...three" and then they all appear in the courtyard running at the double, stripped to the waist.
Davud: At the double! Hacho: /to Kiro/ Now we're really like lunatics... Fetisov: No talking, take deep breaths! One...two, one...two...halt! Shirts on! Attention! At ease! /Fetisov paces along the line/ Today's orders are as follows: until lunchtime, cleaning the courtyard. After lunch from 1400 hours to 1600 hours - rest. From 1600 to 2000 hours time for individual pursuits and evening meal, after 2000 hours television and rest. Clear?
All: Yes, sir! Fetisov: Any other suggestions? No.....Second: from today we start to take turns at cleaning the rooms and kitchen. Ivanov! Hacho: Sir! Fetisov: Your turn today. Hacho: Yes, sir! Fetisov: And now.....gentlemen, we have a delicate matter to deal with. Force of circumstance has resulted in us having a lady living among us. You will, of course, all understand that she will have to be moved into a separate room. Davud: But there is no stove there... Fetisov: That is true. Davud, will you see to it that there is a stove and wood in Miss Antonova's room. Davud: Yes, sir! /to Matei/ Popov! Stove and wood! At the double! Fetisov: I haven’t finished yet....... Davud: Halt! Attention! Fetisov: I have heard that certain items have been disappearing from bedside cupboards. Please would the person responsible for this infringement of the regulations return the items. Kiro: Sir! Fetisov: Any repetition of this infringement will result in the person responsible losing his right to wear military uniform. Is that understood? Kiro: But if there is no thieving in the barracks what sort of a barrack will it be? Fetisov: And finally - an honest and highly-qualified person takes care of our welfare. You will realise that I am referring to the doctor. I insist that you follow his instructions and take whatever he prescribes - also, whenever you meet him you will salute. Hacho: Colonel! The doctor! Fetisov: Attention! Eyes right!
The doctor stumbles in. Fetisov takes one pace forward and, saluting, reports.
